This last Thursday was my first time praying outside of Planned Parenthood. I have always considered myself "Pro-Life" but lately God had been calling me to act on convictions. So that's when I decided that being a prayer warrior was where I needed to start. That day I was full of hope and excitement, ready to do God's work. I was informed when I got there that on Thursdays they perform pre-abortion ultrasounds, an opportune chance to change someone's mind! I felt "charged" with energy thinking that I would get the chance to save a baby's life and put my beliefs into action! It felt great to be doing what God had called me to do. I figured it was a good warm-up before I came out to pray on Saturday morning. Abortion has always been a sensitive subject for me, I can hardly talk about it without tearing up. After Thursday however, I felt ready for whatever Saturday had in store.
On Saturday Morning I woke up early and got my kids ready for the day. But as I brushed my teeth and washed my face I couldn't help but realize that somewhere at just this same moment, a woman was preparing herself to go to Planned Parenthood not to pray, but to have an abortion. It made me feel a little uneasy. "Can I really do this?", I asked myself. I suddenly felt unsure. I pushed through my doubts, loaded my son into the car and left my house. The forecast said it would be warm and sunny that day, but when we arrived at Planned Parenthood it was far from. It was dark and chilly, and I couldn't help but find it somehow fitting. It was a solemn day. I joined in a prayer vigil with others that were there and half way through a car pulled into the parking lot. A woman got out of the car and began to walk in, her head down the entire time. I was fixated on the sad look on her face and the helpless child she was carrying in her womb. Reality slapped me hard just then.
Soon that baby would die.
I couldn't hold it in, the tears started falling uncontrollably. I was praying as hard as I could, but couldn't seem to get a hold of my emotions. I felt helpless. I continued to pray knowing that's all that I could really do. I stayed the for two hours, watched several women come and go. I felt my heart break in my chest as I thought about what happened behind the clinic doors. I drove home in silence. It was the first time I have ever been so close to the horror of abortion, and it affected me so deeply. The rest of the day I tried to stay positive and hopeful. I was convinced that if I smiled long enough, that the pain of the morning would subside.
After I laid my children down to sleep, I retreated to my room to get ready for bed. I could not contain it any longer, I put my head down and cried. My husband came in and asked what was wrong. I tried the "I'm fine" approach, but obviously I was not. I told him that I felt defeated because I was there to fight for those poor babies and I was unsuccessful. I prayed as hard as I could and those babies died anyway. My husband comforted me and told me that just because I didn't SEE anyone change their mind, doesn't mean our efforts were futile. He reminded me that we could have saved a life, or two, and never even know it. In my bedtime prayers I asked God for the strength to keep doing this, to continue in this journey. I realized that defeat is the wrong way to look at it. We can't always bear witness to the fruits of our labor. But most of all, we can never lose HOPE!! Hope will save the lives of unborn children.
With that being said, I am so grateful to have the opportunity to be a prayer warrior. I want to keep coming back to the sidewalk on Saturdays. I feel more prepared for next week and the emotion it may bring. I imagine when I get home I will cry some more, but truthfully I don't mind. Someone needs to mourn for those babies and I am glad to do it. The next Saturday I am there though, I will remind myself that God is there with us and with Him, we are strong.
Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story, I felt compelled to share my experience with you and I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to live it. Thank you for being so kind and helpful. I very much look forward to volunteering with SACFL from here on out.